KIM KURES

After my brother, Victor, passed on ten years ago, sleep eluded me. I would stay awake most of the night without blinking. I could doze off early hours of the morning but before you know it, my eyes are open. I would wake up tired, exhausted and still sleepy every morning, but if I lay down to sleep, my eyes would not close.

I tried all I knew to do: hot baths, warm milk while ignoring the after effect ( a bloated stomach and plenty of gas looking for escape) just so I could sleep, but…

Night after night, week after week, sleep was far. My mind would be awake, thinking, wondering “why us” again. My heart was badly bruised. The pain was too much for me, us, my parents especially… It was just too much.

I would wonder why some have no idea what it feels like to lose a loved one, while others kept experiencing it over and over again.

These ponderings, I guess, kept my mind awake, thereby keeping my body awake.

I don’t sleep if my mind is busy, no matter how tired I am. My eyes would remain open.

It was beginning to affect my health. Always waking up tired and exhausted.

I couldn’t cry openly because I had to be “strong for everyone” as I was constantly told. The lack of sleep and un-shed tears were wearing me out.

I didn’t want to get involved with sleeping pills, so I told my friend, JJ.

You see this my friend JJ? Hmmm! We met through my mum, became friends, then I got to meet his wife, his siblings and his mum. He also knows everyone in my family. He is my brother!

If I need to reach him and he’s not reachable, I call his wife whom I address as my in-law.

“My inlaw, how you dey? Can’t reach my brother,” and she would pass over whatever information I had. We are tight like that.

“Guy, I no dey fit sleep, no matter how much I try. I just don’t sleep.” I said in Nigerian pidgin language.

“Wow! Okay. Hope say you no dey take sleeping pills?” He asked.

“No, I don’t.”

“Good! I know what you need. I’ll get you something that will help you sleep. A sip just before bedtime and you will be good,” he added.

Wow! I was excited. You mean I would get to sleep like normal people? Oh boy, was I excited!

The next day he comes with two bottles of red wine, tells me to take half a glass daily before bed and see how it goes.

I hid them in my wardrobe where no one would find them. That night, after retiring, I closed my door, opened a bottle and poured a little into a cup. Not even up to the prescribed “half a glass”.

That first night, I started feeling my body calming down. I felt relaxed for the first time in over a month. So I quickly finished the content of the cup, returned the bottle back to my wardrobe, climbed back into bed and before I knew it, I was very sleepy. I closed my eyes and had the soundest sleep I’d had in a long while. I slept long and deep. Woke up feeling very refreshed and healthy.

The importance of Sleep!

The next day I didn’t need a glass. I just took a gulp and quickly returned the bottle and, voila! Sleep!

I began to sleep very well.

Some nights I would even sleep without taking any gulp.

That’s how red wine became my sleeping pill.

I didn’t consume so much though, because one bottle of Red Wine would last me a month or more.

At some point, I had to do a study on the benefits of Red Wine to assuage the guilty feeling of “sinning”

After a while, I didn’t have to take gulps of Wine to sleep. My body began to relax on its own accord. Sleep became very easy. I never took more than what was prescribed at a time and I would always take it after I’d retired for the night.

In all these, I learnt:

i) When your heart is troubled, your mind will have difficulty calming down thereby depriving you of sleep.

Find a way to let go of the worries!

ii) Seek help when necessary. Don’t hold it in. Help may just be around the corner.

iii) The abuse of a substance is where the issue is. Never exceed limits!

Someone is wondering, “does she still …..?”

Ask me when we see,

Have a great week❤️

Originally published on https://kimbysvoice.blogspot.com/2020/01/red-wine.html

Have a great wee

I heard his voice in the living room. He was talking with my parents. They joked and laughed. They asked him how he was doing and all. Joy even joined them but I didn’t. I didn’t want to wear myself out as I was going for all night In about an hour or so.

I would usually try to rest during the day but then, that day was full so I didn’t have the time to rest.

There was a wake keep for my uncle, Late General Danjuma Dyeris and the burial was the next day. We had all just come back, while some were waiting to sleep, I was resting my mind and body to go for the all-night prayer meeting.

He had been away in Lokoja. He had enlisted in the Nigerian Police and had successfully passed all the training and had been posted to Lokoja.

It would have been a delight to see him but I knew we would see the next day after we have come back from the burial as their house was just two houses away.

Coming out would be exerting myself and I may end up going late for the all-night or not going at all. So I stayed in my room and he eventually left.

I left for the meeting somewhere before ten pm. At about midnight my phone began to vibrate.

I checked and it was Ore that was calling me. I assumed it was a mistake as we were together before the all-night. She was actually in my house before he came and she was surprised he was in town as she hadn’t seen him… She eventually left me to rest.

She would later tell me how he called her shortly after he left my house, while in transit as he didn’t go home straight. He was with some other people and they were going to hang out in town.

“Hello”

“Aunty how are you”, he had asked her.

“I’m fine” she replied.

“ I didn’t see you at home and we are going out now but when I come back we will see”

“No problem,” she said to him.

“I love you,” he told her.

“I love you too” and bade her farewell to see later or in the morning.

I ignored the call. ‘She knows I’m in church, I reasoned. This was about midnight. I’ll be home before 5 am, I will call her then. This was barely two hours after we parted, ‘any gist can wait’ I further reasoned.

But she called again and again and again. Then I had a terrible feeling in my stomach and went out of the church hall to call her. Ordinarily, I would never do such, but I felt I had to call back as she kept calling. Something was definitely wrong.

The first thing I said was, “Babe, I dey church. What is it?”

She sighed and said, “it’s Kwasau ooo”. My mind must be playing tricks, maybe I am more tired than I thought because I didn’t understand a word she said.

“I don’t understand. Kwasau?”

“After they left your house, he called me that they were heading to town and we will see tomorrow only for me to get a call to come to Barau Dikko Specialist Hospital to identify his body…”

“I don’t understand. What are you saying?”, I said, confused. Nothing she said was making sense.

“Kwasau is dead. There was an accident and he and another person in the car died on the spot. Two were terribly injured. One is not expected to make it through to morning as he is critical”.

Ha. I still couldn’t comprehend a word she said. I mean …

He was in my house about three hours ago gisting with my parents and Joy. He had gone around visiting people in the neighbourhood on arrival. I didn’t go out to say hello because I was resting to go to church. He would even come to my room on a good day, but I guess their gist with daddy and co took his attention away. That he didn’t even ask of me, which was strange because usually, he would ask after ‘aunty’. If he had, mumsy would have sent for me and I would have had no choice but to come out.

And now she is telling me he is dead? Just like that? I practically listened to all their conversation without participating. I could still hear his voice and the laughter in my head.

“What are you saying?” I asked in denial. She repeated the story. She had already gone to identify his body.

She was calling me because she didn’t know how to break the news to her mum. Wow! After much explanation, I realised she was serious and I had missed the chance of seeing him just one last time.

He was her cousin and an orphan whom her mum adopted. He was jovial and very friendly, respectful and all…

He was a very nice young man. He made friends easily and was loved by both the young and elderly.

Gone! Just like that!

What a loss!

Phew!

I told her to go talk with my dad. He’d know how to break the news but she decided to wait till morning.

I told Joy when I got back into the hall. We couldn’t wait for the night to be over. But for the time, we would have gone back home. We endured the all-night and as soon as grace was said, we left for home. We met her at the gate. We all went in and woke daddy up. It was about 5 am. I doubt if she slept. She broke the news to them. Everyone in my house broke down in tears, shocked. How? He was here for over two hours gisting and laughing with all who saw him.

Apparently. My family members were about the last people to see him alive. He left our house only to be involved in that ghastly accident that took his life. The third person died by morning.

So mummy and daddy went with her to break the news to her mother. We waited a while before going after them.

It was heartbreaking watching as she processed the news of his sudden demise.

We stayed for a few hours and had to go and prepare for Uncle Danjuma’s burial.

I can still remember everything like it was yesterday.

A particular song was his caller tone, “Mercies of the Lord”, by Oritse Femi. Baryat and Ruth cannot stand hearing it. They’d walk away or out of where ever the song is being played.

I regret not coming out to see him. I’ve regretted it over and over. He was my pal, but I just wanted to rest, thinking I would see him the next day, which would have happened if he hadn’t died because even if I didn’t seek him out, he would have sought me out.

There are other similar cases like this.

A person crosses my mind and I tell myself I will call and then I don’t get to call, only to hear later on that he or she has passed on.

Sometimes I even plan to visit and before I get around to doing it, I hear “they’ve passed on.”

Recently my cousin’s husband was on my mind. I told myself to reach out to him because it’s always with my cousin that I communicate. I mostly just ask after him. Funny I knew him even before they met with my cousin so it wasn’t as if he was a stranger to me. I had a strong urge to reach out to him for over a month and somehow didn’t even chat with my cousin ‘talk less’ of asking about him or reaching out to him within that period. I never got round to doing that.

I’m deeply pained because he was buried yesterday, the 16th of June 2021. If only I had reached out then, If only …

Again, I have lost a chance at reaching out and for the last time.

Has this happened to you before?

When someone suddenly crosses your mind or you find yourself constantly thinking about them, quickly reach out. They might not be dying but may just need a word of comfort or affirmation or even a hug from you…

Kindly reach out.

Originally published on https://kimbysvoice.blogspot.com/2021/07/if-only-i-had-know-if-only.html

Phone rings;

“Kim-kim, wetin you dey do?”

“Ummmm, nothing much. Just pressing phone…”

“Come out now, let’s hangout with my friends. There is a cocktail at…”

“Ha” I thought, just like that? Make I leave the comfort of my bed at this time for a cocktail or whatever and…

Somehow, I found the willpower and told him “okay, I’ll come”.

Then they came to get me! Oh boy! I had a good time.

Mature conversation!

Good music!

Made new friends that are still in my life to date and relevant.

You see, I’d gone to visit Josephine aka Khandhee in Kainji. She had just started working with UBA. She had been there for months and no one from home had gone to visit and she had been begging ” Dan Allah ku zo mani yawo mana? Please come and visit me?”

The thought of going near border for visit was still cooking but I assured her I’d visit one day.

I was in Lagos for a conference, IPPC, that had just ended and was planning on going back home to KD. She had been following up on my stay in Lagos as per concerned sister na. I had some issues with the bank and couldn’t withdraw, that delayed me for a day or so. It’s been so long, I can’t remember. This was November 2011? While we spoke she was like, “Aunty Kim, ki zo ki gan ni mana? Aunty Kim, come and see me now?”

She calls me Aunty Kim when she wants to manipulate me but na Sister K she dey normally call me on a normal day under normal circumstances. Chai. I know this but yet I always end up getting manipulated.

So I decided, ‘why not’ and changed my arrangements. I informed the parents about the plans and they were cool with it, glad ‘someone’ was going to finally visit Khandhee. I had to get to Ilorin from Lagos before entering a car going to Kainji.

That was the year I passed right in front of FGC Ogbomosho for the first time after graduation.

Nostalgia!

That feeling of being locked up In a very small space engulfed me for a moment. The tension and fear of knowing I’ll be locked in there for months visited after many years… That’s how I used to feel back then on resumption days.

I got to Kainji and was taken to UBA, that is United Bank for Africa. She was so excited, she nearly fall me for grown. Her colleagues knew her sister was coming. They all came to say hello. Ali! Ummmm, Ali Baba is what I call him. He came towards me smiling, and hugged me with enthusiasm like..

“Jesus, it’s like I’ve met him before and I can’t seem to remember” I thought and began to scold myself for this terrible habit of forgetting people. I covered up by returning the hug warmly too.

“How was your trip? How them mumsy? How is…” He asked after everyone knowingly, you know, like he knows them. “Hian. I don cast be that” I said to myself. “Maybe he has been to the house in Kaduna and …”

Well! I covered up real good, planning to ask her later where I knew him from. He has that aura around him, it gives this feeling of ” e be like say I know this guy somewhere…”

“Sister K you no know am oooo. That’s how Ali is” wow!

“Are you serious?” I asked her, shocked.

“Gaskiya ba ki San shi ba. Haka ya ke! (Honestly you don’t know him, that’s how he is)”

Phew! I felt relieved. At least I no show myself. His warmth set the tone for a lifetime of friendship. I thought I was the only one but Joy and Dennis met him eventually and they both confirmed the ‘feeling’ I felt.

It was a Saturday and one of Khandhee’s colleagues was celebrating her birthday in Mouka. I didn’t want to go. That was like travelling back the road I came and I wasn’t up to it. I’m not much of a traveller, unlike some Nomads I know.

So it was while I was lying down and pressing phone, home alone that Ali called to tell me about the cocktail. I’m so glad I went. A Federal organisation in Kainji had a series of competitions and that evening they were going to award all the winners and then have a cocktail afterwards. He was kind enough to remember that JoJo’s sister was home alone

Ali Baba ❤️

So they picked me up and we went. He introduced me to Carl, who was the person driving. He is also the one that extended the invitation to Ali and his colleagues. Everything went well. After the cocktail Carl asked,

“Do you want to go home or would you mind hanging out with my friends and me?”

Remember Carl? The one that gave me that needed vacation in https://kimbysvoice.com/2022/03/27/debb.ie-dear-debbie-my-extra-aburo/ ?

That’s where and when I met him. I was alread having a great time and going back home would mean being home alone with TV, which I no dey too watch, and phone. I opted for human company. We waka that day.

Kainji is kinda backward in terms of social activities. Surprisingly, it houses a lot of Federal organisations, some only have branches in Kainji. All military and paramilitary bodies have branches there. and institutions as well as foreign bodies. That was the town I met someone dealing in raw gold and diamonds. Wealthy but silent People dwell there. You would assume they are poor till you hear about their investments.

Anyway, so that’s how that one momentary decision altered my life forever. I had a good time and made friends for life.

My heart fails every time I think of opportunities I missed because i was ‘thinking’ too much and ended up missing certain opportunities.

Oh you don’t want to know. Sometimes just leaving the house for a moment has altered things for me but when I overthink? Hmmmm. I end up not going and missing out on lifetime opportunities, some I still regret.

I’m learning to live at the spur of the moment knowing that ‘Now’ is all I have and ‘tomorrow’ is not promised me.

I’ll tell you about the hangout my friends planned in Lagos. I’ll tell you someday.

Some of the best moments of my life (so far) happened when I made ‘spur of the moment’ decisions ‘to go or not to’, ‘to do or not to’. Most times in trying to decide i realise it’s just anxiety eating at me and a phobia for meeting new people and having to talk ‘by force’ or be seen as anti social. But I do not actually have a problem with communicating with people. I just like to do it when I’m in the mood for it. It’s not that hard.

So…

Live in the moments!

Enjoy the moments!

Don’t be too hard on ‘You’

Life is too short for that.

That may be all the opportunity you get or even the one you need.

You never can tell who you’ll meet where!

Have an amazing week but please LIVE!!!

Originally published on https://kimbysvoice.blogspot.com/2022/04/live-in-moments.html

Pop!

Pop!!

Pop!!!

Then a crack.

“Could this be fireworks? At this time of the night? This season?”

I wondered as the sound dragged me out of sleep.

While I was wondering and trying to understand what was happening, the neighborhood alarm went off.

Oh wow!

My eyes were fully opened now. Wide awake I listened further.

The popping sound from the gunshots continued for a long time. Maybe two hours, piercing into the night.

“Dear lord” I began to utter deep and heartfelt words, “peace in my neighborhood and environs. Preservation of lives, protection, safety…”

As I made those declarations, I wondered which direction it was coming from.

That’s because, you can’t really tell from which direction its coming from. Of course you know it’s really close for you to hear but…

Then when you login to Facebook, you begin to see;

“‘Ungwan Bulus’ or ‘Ungwan Gimbiya’ or ‘Mahuta’… Under attack.

Killings.

Kidnappings.

Some are maimed for life.

Oh boy! That’s close. Really close,

Then all manner of thoughts start to race all over your mind, each fighting for first position.

Fear.

Agitation.

Anxiety.

Words of affirmation from ‘the Holy book’ also pushing its way through the other competitors. It has to gain the advantage, for the peace of mind of the field (mind) on which the competition is taking place or else…

Because the details of the killings are nauseating. Jesus!

Let me spare you the description of a matchetted head.

People sleeping in the homes they toiled to build so as to escape landlords harrassment are forced out and made refugees and IDP Camp dwellers or even squatters, as the case may be.

They go home only in the day time to change clothes and by 6pm, they are out , heading to the next place they’ll be spending the night because nobody wants to be a victim of the heartless ‘goons’

And so it continues.

Those who can afford it end up renting apartments that will serve as their night ‘Base/station’, usually a safe ‘Ungwa’ or so they think, untill these people visit.

Now it’s obvious, nowhere is really safe. Where you are moving to could be the next target. These guys are getting bolder by the day.

After a while you start to hear aircrafts moving. Fighter jets maybe or just normal helicopter. Then blaring sound of siren.

Help at least it seems but naaaa!

The damage ‘long’ done.

They would have escaped or blended into the environment (because it is now obvious they work with information from insiders, resident’s of these ‘ungwa’) till it’s safe for them to move, after all, the security personnel won’t be there the whole night.

The aircraft hovers for sometime and goes away to return for a routine ‘hovering’ . Could be hourly or every other hour.

For most people, sleep bids them good-bye for the night. It could visit during the course of the day. If they are chanced, they get to sleep a little to refresh the human body which is fashioned to rest once it’s night but is constantly deprived.

Do you even want to know of the experience of residents who have had to leave the comfort of their homes to seek refuge as a way of preserving their lives?

It is best imagined!

This happens like every other day.

Sometimes it’s on a daily basis.

Attacks taking place every other hour in different locations.

They have become so audacious, they disregard the time of day. That is openly calling the bluff of all our security and intelligence agencies as far as I’m concerned. Daring them and spitting in their faces.

“What can you do?” is what they seem to be saying. It’s like dangling a piece of red cloth in the face of a bull and not expecting a reaction. Ordinarily, that should be courting death because when the bull charges at the culprit, only ‘divine intervention’ would save such a one except there is something he/she knows, some power they posses that the audience is not aware of. It’s only under such conditions that flagging a red piece of cloth in the face of a red bull is allowed. In other thoughts, except he/she is the owner of the bull and has absolute control over its actions, inactions and reactions

This is the norm in Northern Nigeria jKaduna especially) today.

People are constantly running ‘kitikiti’ and ‘katakata’

Sleepless nights.

Restlessness.

Stress.

Could that also be one of the reasons why some people just slump and die these days?

In running for safety, some end up running right into the lion’s den and either get kidnapped or killed.

Believe me, this has been the trend.

On a steady level. They are so accurate.

The last one sounded so close, we felt they were in our neighborhood only to learn later that it was not too far away.

A friend said “maybe we need to start building bunkers” because there is really no where that is safe anymore. The routes in and out seem to be blocked. It’s as if we have been ‘boxed in’

But he summed it all in a statement that has strengthened me and given me hope. “We dwell in safety, we are safe anywhere we find ourselves. It is God who protects and preserves us.”

I had chatted him up on one of those nights because the noise was too much and I couldn’t sleep, so he chose to call instead. We spoke at length.

“That should be your mindset, our mindset always, mmmh?”

“Okay. Thank you” I said, deeply grateful for that heartfelt and meaningful reminder.

We don’t have enough Security personnel to combat these bandits or terrorists or herders (or whatever name it is they choose to be called at whatever time and in whichever location) or so we are made to believe. What then do we do?

Trust in God!

Kuku surrender to Him. Abandon yourself to him ‘kawai’. He will keep you and preserve you.

“What of those that get killed?” You ask?

The assurance of being with God is gauranteed ai ko? A better life is assured. Is it not better to have hope for a better life incase of any eventualities than to live in hopelessness?

My point is, our safety is only in God.

Like my friend pointed out to me, ” Some people who left Nigeria for a better life in Ukraine have been killed in this war. Some in other countries died of different things, COVID being one. The plane crash in China. In that Kaduna train that was attacked, some were leaving Kaduna for good, like the lady Doctor that got killed” I’m assuming from a stray bullet “they chose the train because it was a safer route to travel but see what happened” he concluded.

Truly, the place you think is safe today might be their next point of call. What do you do?

Trust and hope in the Greater One. He is all you have. He keeps you sane even when you are surrounded by insanity.

Peace❤️❤️♥️

Pray for the city you dwell in:

We speak peace

We speak safety

We speak preservation of lives and property

We speak an end to the mayhem and destruction

Peaceeeeeeee, in Jesus name, Amen!

Originally published on https://kimbysvoice.blogspot.com/2022/04/these-are-times-we-are-living-in.html